2010 Blog - Post Five

Pay no attention to the time stamp on this blog. I am in NO WAY blogging at work . . .

I've had it this week, so please bear with my emotional catharsis in the form of a blog post. That and if I have to look at/deny one more insurance certificate this week, I may spontaneously combust BTVS-style.

When did human default mode switch to virulent? I'm not even talking when did it transition from 1950s Pleasantville-style. I'm talking about how people just seemed to be overall more pleasant, polite, curteous back in the day. Not even nice, just curteous. I don't even think people know what curteous even means anymore. I'll get to my point about this in a minute, but first I'll explain the fact that I've sort of watched myself deteriorate over the past like eight months, and it's come to a head. How did I get here? I've become this monstrous atrocity, ready to lash out at even the slightest provocation. I referred to myself as the Jabberwocky today. WTF?! That's not me! I'm not some cloven-footed, winged, snarling pierced-eyed horror demon of the acid-tripped imagination. Not really. But that is the result of my metamorphosis. I've racked and racked my brain to try and ascertain what leads me to become this intolerant heinous monster, and I think I have some form of answer: people verbally fight with me 9 hours a day. From the moment I open my Outlook in the morning to the moment I finally "x" out of it at night, the people I communicate with as I perform my job constantly argue with me. They disagree, they outright refuse to provide me with what I'm requesting, and they're stalwart about it. They tell me no like a mom tells a child regarding ice cream before dinner. The kind of no that you don't bother to ask "why" because it's merely "because I said so," and that is all. Nothing further. No follow-up necessary. Give up now.

But, sadly, I can't "give up now." I have to reply and fight back. I have to subject myself to further insult and injury. The dreaded, "I understand what you're requesting, but we're not giving it to you," reply. "But . . . that's not good enough?" I reply outloud to no one in particular, in my small, defeated, pathetic on-the-verge-of-tears voice. And I'm not even bringing up when they question my authority ("Have you ok'd this with your Risk Management department? I really think you should bring it to them." --> I AM IN RISK MANAGEMENT!!! You think I'm making this shit up?!), scapegoat me ("You never told us there was an issue." Um, I sent you an email back in October. "We never got it." Oh . . . convenient.), tell me to review it again because there's nothing wrong with it ("This is what the company provides. Have your Risk Manager look at it again." Um, we know. We deal with these issues every day. We've reviewed it repeatedly. And we still say no . . .), blame me for how the team handled the issue in the past ("We've never had this issue before" or "This was accepted this way on a previous project" Well, the person who handled this prior dropped the ball cause you should have had an issue before and it should not have been accepted. But I'm on this project NOW and I'm NOT accepting it), the list goes on.

That being said, why wouldn't I constantly be on the defense at all times? If, for one millisecond, I'm not hunched over, knees slightly bent, head erect, eyes darting to and fro, someone may come up from behind me and knock me flat on my ass, resulting in SEVERE damage to my tailbone. And that's NOT fun. But it's becoming ridiculous. I'm suited up at ALL times. Like, not just when I need to be. And it's wreaking havoc on me. Resulting in aforementioned Jabberwocky. Jabberwocky who has taken up a necessity for daily afternoon M&M fixes from the vending machine. And here lies my other issue. SO I had just gotten to a wonderful happy place where instead of craving food or alcohol when I got stressed out, I'd want to go to the gym. I'd be like, OMG today sucked. I need to get on the elliptical. It was marvelous. I've always wanted to be one of "those" people. And I was. And it was so awesome. But now, because my schedule has been all switched up because of the holidays and school, the stress has gotten the better of me in the past couple weeks. I no longer crave the elliptical. I now find solace in pj bottoms, mindless television, and chocolate. The eternal chocolate. Damn Spaniards. And it's frustrating me. Where's that damn girl who craved the elliptical instead? Oh, that's right, the Jabberwocky kidnapped her and she fell into the rabbit hole.

I have, however, devised a plan. Not so much for how to destroy the Jabberwocky (it's not as easy as Alice overcoming her unwarranted imaginary fear. This is VERY real.), but for saving the girl on the elliptical. So I've concluded that part of the reason I had gotten so disciplined and focused in the fall was because I had purpose. I was in training for something tangible. I had a deadline. Now, wtf do I have besides free reign and way too much stress that not even Willy Wonka could cure (please, don't bring up oompa loompas. In my world, the chocolate factory is an oompa loompa-free zone). Enter Lent. I know I know, but please, don't judge. So Tuesday is Fat Tuesday, which means Wednesday is Ash Wednesday and the start of the Lenten season. Now, while yes, I am not a practicing Catholic. I even got out of Church at Christmas this past year. However, Lent is one of those crazy ideas those Catholics put forth that always kinda resonated with me. I have no idea why. But, so much so, I still refuse to eat meat on Fridays during it. And I still either try to give something up or do something good. So this year, in tune with the season of sacrifice and betterment, I will use that sentiment as a benchmark for getting back into the swing of things. The way I see it, as I work toward the betterment of myself, I, in turn, in theory, achieve betterment with others. So maybe the key to slaying the Jabberwocky actually lies in freeing the elliptical girl. Who knows? Let's get elliptical girl out of the rabbit hole first . . .